Old(ish) man and the sea

 

Adrift at sea.

Adrift at sea in a small rowboat. Endless ocean waving across, with no shore or shelter to be seen. Two oars, a crude planket for cover and shelter. 'O' Mighty sea! Tell me where to go and see.'

There is no answer, no change. Only the waves creaking the boat. 

That is the overly common feeling for me during these last decades. At moments I have had a feeling that there is something somewhere if keep on rowing and rowing. Like a beacon - waiting, illuminating, signaling. A way forward. A way to new world and new existence.

To my understanding, this is a fairly common feeling for many: atleast momentarily, at some point of life. But what if it continues? It just goes on for decades without change. Decades drifting in the ocean.

 

I met this medical doctor who said to me these feeling are normal. 'Everything is normal. Everyone is normal. Find a job or a two. Fill your life with toil and off you go!'

I have met many medical experts. Without exception all of them swear in favour of the soothing effects of managed life consisting of active and hard labour. I've had no problem with that; for that is the model I was raised upon: 'Fill your life with toil and off you go!'

So I went though my schools, worked and wrote my thesis. Worked a bit there; worked a lot here; worked seldomly over there; worked my way wherever and everywhere. Like a diligent tailor I knit my clothes from small random patches.

But in the end I have realised you are just a buffoon with a stitched patchwork poncho in a world of fast nobles and fancy suits - who tell you to 'just fill your life with toil and off you can go!'

Trials, relapses and failures

 

I have relapsed, it was a while back. I wanted to write, but I couldn’t. Too tired, too ashamed.

Day 51, that’s it.

How do I count these days now? I relapsed and failed. During my previous trials I had many times compiled a plan to play a game. And when the moment came, it took me only five minutes to turn back to gaming. I had read and I had been warned to create obstacles and boundaries, that would inhibit the possibility.

I searched my computer for my compiled stash of old dos games. The sheer thrill of looking at my old favorites ran the urge up high. All these masterful classics: Covert Action, Buzz Aldrin’s Race into Space, Dune (the original Cryo Interactive version from 1992), Princess Maker 2, Ufo: Enemy Unknown, Floor 13, Hidden Agenda, Master of Magic, Sword of the Samurai, Settlers 2, Master of Orion 2. God, my mind salivated the very thought of returning to these good old moments.

I needed to wind down, get lost in the haze, forget the worries and woes. And the only solution left felt so commanding and strong. I knew I had only small sliver of freedom, a brief moment of time for myself before the harsh realities of life would begin their grind again.

After this moment of anticipation I just downloaded and installed dosbox. Rest is history.

It helps to forget the anxiety.

It comforts with its stories.

It lets the overactive mind finally rest.

-- It’s a poor substitution to a real meaningful life.

Day 46 and the acceptance of the realities

After 46 days of game abstinence, I am still trying to find my place in the world.

There is hope.

But there are also setbacks. How can I ever reach standing among the world of eternal competition and struggle? One must find the means to support the mundane everyday trappings. I am old, too old. I am the underdog, the one that did not get the Walt Disney version of life and just got beaten and trampled. This world is a world of excess and overconsumption that too nonchalantly just replaces the any dysfunctional or worn out cogs and bolts in its design.

For sixteen years I have applied for literally thousands of jobs, build my resume with volunteer work, scraps of internships, additional education and with a barrage of various odd jobs. I have my master's degree and three undergraduates. Over 800 student credit points. Still, I have never even gotten an interview. Never.

It was easier to understand that you were sidelined, when you could see they hired someone older and more experienced with top notch resumes. But now, they just hire ever younger, with even leaner resumes.

But I think there is a truth to learn here.

Working life for those with university degrees seems to be hopelessly oversaturated. So why bother. I was once the fledgling young with a meager plumage of a resume. So, let them have their day to bask in the sun.

I may be an outdated obsolete model, but I have to take comfort in the fact that I have built the ladders and seen over the hills and far away. It may be possible for me to lead others down the path. During my times in the university I was always juggling along with the sons and daughters of the privileged, respected, connected, wealthy and cultured. In the terms of the theoretical framework of Pierre Bourdieu’s theory of capital I realized I was always at an disadvantage. 

What I lacked in the boons of my ancestors I could try to accrue and pass on. I think that is the wisdom I learned from my parents: you can’t change the trappings of your childhood, but you can always try to provide a better childhood and future for your own children.

Day 43 and the discovery of the ugly truths

Day 43

After 43 days of game abstinence, I am still trying to find my place in the world.

I am on a journey, traipsing through desolated deserts, seeking sources of sustenance. I find the occasional morsel or a droplet of some sweet and savory nectar. It is somewhat hard to reach out for any meaningful, social or stimulating activities that could nourish my soul – or the gaping wound that the world of gaming has held together. When the superfluous exterior starts to shatter, it cannot neither hide nor cover the scars and punctures of the past and present. I am starting to see the fixture, the putty substance that is smeared against cracks and crevices to re-enforce the failing structure within.

I feel foreboding doom and dread.

Is it wise to try this approach of dismantle and repair? And there any real possibility for healing, mending and rejuvenation?

There is hope. I have glimpsed some venues of promise and encountered promising leads. Small level organizations dealing with community approach – they hold promise. Friends and relatives of various backgrounds – there are still some along my circle of reach and trust. Old constructive patterns of learning and university life show some promise – I have always found comfort that life is an eternal path of learning.

Day 32 and the end of games?

Day 32

After 32 days of game abstinence I have found out that you can’t simply turn off that part of your brain so easily. A rough estimate by Steamtime, I have deduced that I have played at least about 30 000 hours in my lifetime, that’s about 3,5 years of gaming. Videogaming has been my favorite hobby since childhood.

I daydream.

My mind reminiscences about video games like Sid Meir’s Covert Action, Ufo 1 ja 2, X-Com 1 ja 2, Xenonauts, Phoenix Point, Rimworld, Clanfolk, Oxygen not included, Star Traders: Frontiers, Suzerain, Disco Elysium, The Dig, Sword of Stars Feasibility Tech Tree, The Next World, Yes my king, Book of Hours, Dune and BeeCarbonize.

In Sid Meir’s Covert Action I am the ultimate counter-agent, the force that gathers clues. The very act of tracing through the clues is addicting. Through what route must one move to find the important clue forward – and not a red herring. I miss the feeling of connecting the jigjaw puzzle of clues, uncovering the underlying system and trying to create the best system to catch em all.

In the original Ufo’s, the remade X-com’s, Xenonauts and Phoenix Point I miss the feeling of achievement when making a technological breakthrough. The shear difficulty of trying to beat the odds against ever increasing opposition with tight roleplaying, aggressive strategy and careful tactics.

Although, now that I think, the tactics part was always bit dreary and repeating. Don’t get me wrong, it’s exciting, terrifying and exhilarating to engage the foe on the tactical field – but to me it’s has the overwhelming feeling of repetition. Mostly I liked the story of what happened in the tactical field – a band of individual characters endeared the odds and some survived and some not. Without Ironman mode, these tactical game portions would always lead to endless load/save cycles.

Hmm. To me, maybe the story, roleplaying the game, the feeling of against overwhelming odds and strategy level of gaming was always the main appeal. These themes are also present among my other daydreamed games.

Most strange is the aspect association of a thought pattern in real-life situations. I see events and different modern everyday technologies presented as an continuation in the hierarchical tree. My mind reminds me of the multiple applicable uses of objects not just in real life but also in a game worlds in their ever altering fantasy environments. It’s hard to see a tree and rock without also identifying it’s multipurpose or meaningless in different games. It’s the same with studying different fields of science in university – one becomes capable of seeing the underlying sociological, cultural, historical and technical currents and systems at affect.

My mind always leaps in to the managerial and strategical viewpoint. Easily daydreaming myself away, seeing myself not as a individual but as an theoretician moving invisible plans and objects. Maybe that is the hardest point of realization about your place in the real life: you are just a small insignificant pawn in a decentralized system of insignificant pawns. There are leaders, politicians, tycoons, wealthy, kings, queens, tyrants, celebrities, influencers, demagogues et cetera – but all in their power are diminished by the human condition and limits. One cannot micromanage but a tiny portion of anything, everything also is all about grand scale strategy, exerting influence and engaging in endless social games with other power players.

In the gameworld only the sky is the limit.

It is frightening in a sense.

Would you rather rule in hell than serve in ...... whatever this reality truly is?

I doubt this reality is heaven, but maybe it is all we have.