Trials, relapses and failures

 

I have relapsed, it was a while back. I wanted to write, but I couldn’t. Too tired, too ashamed.

Day 51, that’s it.

How do I count these days now? I relapsed and failed. During my previous trials I had many times compiled a plan to play a game. And when the moment came, it took me only five minutes to turn back to gaming. I had read and I had been warned to create obstacles and boundaries, that would inhibit the possibility.

I searched my computer for my compiled stash of old dos games. The sheer thrill of looking at my old favorites ran the urge up high. All these masterful classics: Covert Action, Buzz Aldrin’s Race into Space, Dune (the original Cryo Interactive version from 1992), Princess Maker 2, Ufo: Enemy Unknown, Floor 13, Hidden Agenda, Master of Magic, Sword of the Samurai, Settlers 2, Master of Orion 2. God, my mind salivated the very thought of returning to these good old moments.

I needed to wind down, get lost in the haze, forget the worries and woes. And the only solution left felt so commanding and strong. I knew I had only small sliver of freedom, a brief moment of time for myself before the harsh realities of life would begin their grind again.

After this moment of anticipation I just downloaded and installed dosbox. Rest is history.

It helps to forget the anxiety.

It comforts with its stories.

It lets the overactive mind finally rest.

-- It’s a poor substitution to a real meaningful life.

Day 46 and the acceptance of the realities

After 46 days of game abstinence, I am still trying to find my place in the world.

There is hope.

But there are also setbacks. How can I ever reach standing among the world of eternal competition and struggle? One must find the means to support the mundane everyday trappings. I am old, too old. I am the underdog, the one that did not get the Walt Disney version of life and just got beaten and trampled. This world is a world of excess and overconsumption that too nonchalantly just replaces the any dysfunctional or worn out cogs and bolts in its design.

For sixteen years I have applied for literally thousands of jobs, build my resume with volunteer work, scraps of internships, additional education and with a barrage of various odd jobs. I have my master's degree and three undergraduates. Over 800 student credit points. Still, I have never even gotten an interview. Never.

It was easier to understand that you were sidelined, when you could see they hired someone older and more experienced with top notch resumes. But now, they just hire ever younger, with even leaner resumes.

But I think there is a truth to learn here.

Working life for those with university degrees seems to be hopelessly oversaturated. So why bother. I was once the fledgling young with a meager plumage of a resume. So, let them have their day to bask in the sun.

I may be an outdated obsolete model, but I have to take comfort in the fact that I have built the ladders and seen over the hills and far away. It may be possible for me to lead others down the path. During my times in the university I was always juggling along with the sons and daughters of the privileged, respected, connected, wealthy and cultured. In the terms of the theoretical framework of Pierre Bourdieu’s theory of capital I realized I was always at an disadvantage. 

What I lacked in the boons of my ancestors I could try to accrue and pass on. I think that is the wisdom I learned from my parents: you can’t change the trappings of your childhood, but you can always try to provide a better childhood and future for your own children.